Finding a job isn't what it used to be!!

Top Ten Interesting Questions I've been Asked On Job Applications (No kidding)

10. Why are manhole covers round?

Are you serious?? Everyone knows manhole covers are round because they roll faster down the street. And what does this have to do with this job??

9. Of all of the politicians out there, what percentage do you find honest?
I'd have to say 100%...but that's just me.

8. Please list your emergency contact.
Emergency contact? Really? What plans do you have for me during our interview??

7. How many planes are currently flying over Colorado?
Ten. No nine.....no twelve. Yes, twelve planes. (7 over Texas, 18 over New York, and 3 over Maine)

6. If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be? Why?

Kumquats, because I giggle every time I hear and say that word.

5. What do you believe is the percentage of the U.S. population that cheats when they fill out their federal tax returns?
ALLLLLLLL of you sons of bitches! No really, maybe 89%.

4. If you could be a super hero, what would you want your superpowers to be?
That superpower that turns water to wine, duh.

3. Are you on food stamps?
Negative.

2. What is your opinion of Mickey Mouse?
Well, for a mouse I find him to be pleasant...ears are a bit big. Wait, Mickey Mouse? WHY the hell am I answering a question about Mickey Mouse on a job app??

And the #1 interesting question I have had to answer while filling out job applications...

1. Is your college GPA reflective of your potential?
WHAT??? Hmmm...no words.

Thy thumb isn't green.

After filling out a lot of job applications this morning, I helped my Gma in her garden. Good Lord, help us. *Disclaimer: I do not have ANY gardening experience. ANY. That means ZEROOOOO.)

Can't figure if this was going to be a good experience or a bad one. One person knows today is the day to start planting vegetables that grow ABOVE ground (as opposed to the ones that grow below ground like beets and squash (those were planted the first of April)) and the other person knows Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's relationship is totally a publicity stunt. "What would you like for me to do??" I asked. "Well, (long pause)....how about sprinkling these green beans in these two rows?" Oh surely I can do that!! I did that beautifully. One bean, two bean, three bean, oh crap I just spilled them all! I honestly felt like I was standing in an operating room with a big ? on top of my head.

  Okay, beans are perfectly placed into their graves, I mean soil beds, so now onto the next project. As I walk up to my Gma to get my next assignment she hands me a dirty quarter she just found in the yard. "Never work for anybody for free." she says to me. "Now I paid you so how about picking up these weeds I've pulled?" Giggle...You got it! This has got to be a little easier, right? She had raked these weeds and dead sticks up into piles as I buried the seeds. I am picking up these piles of leaves, weeds, and sticks and I kid you not, a damn spider crawled up my hand and I let out an "Eeek!" "What's wrong?!!" my Gma asked. "A spider just crawled up my hand!" I said with a labored breath. "Oh good God." is what Green Thumb said as she just walked off. 'WHERE are those gloves they make for this kind of service I'm doing?' I think. I WILL tell you, I continued to pick up 5 different piles of potential spider beds before the morning was over. Shaking a bit, yes, but HEY I did it! I'm not a person who has a green thumb on their torso. But...learning that annual plants last one year and perennial plants last a few years...from my Gma...is worth the dirt under my manicured nails and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Dirt washes off...memories last forever. :-)

It's like finally jumping off the diving board...

Hello there! Come on in…may I offer you a drink? Water, wine, beer…?? Oh, let me introduce myself. My name is Patience. Yup, real name and yes it IS a hard name to live up to! (Especially when calling to complain about something and they ask for my name I sheepishly reply, “Patience.”)
Thanks for checking out my new project…I need a new project like a hole in my head is probably what my Gma is going to say if she reads this. She’s probably right. My new project…er…blog is mainly to keep my friends and family informed in what’s going on in my ‘unboring’ life. The Umbrella Diaries came about when my friend suggested I blog. (Will not name names but her name rhymes with Pangela)  “I WHAT??” I thought. “GROSS!” Little did I know, Pangela has magical powers and pushed that ball into motion… now…I blog. Blogger McBloggerson. Thanks Pangela! I Plove you!

I have always wanted to write a book (and be a writer for SNL). I thought I could write a book of all of my adventures from when I lived in Oregon and appropriately call it The Umbrella Diaries. Okay, let’s start small with a blog and work our way up to a book…that will work! So, naturally I ask my sister what she thought of the idea. (Once again, please don’t ask me for her name..but it DOES rhyme with Pafferty OR Porgan…depends on if you call her by her first or middle name..I PLove you Porgan!) “Love it!” she said, via text. She told me just to do it and do it right away or I’d talk and think myself out of it. Okay…I have been thinking about it and it’s taken me a while to write this first blog. I’m nervous! You know that saying that refers to coming out of your shell?? Well, hopefully this blog will allow me to do just that. I stay in/under my shell…under my umbrella, a lot. With a lot of nerve, a little encouragement from my loved ones, and a few drinks…I should be able to leave my umbrella behind and enjoy the rain! Wait, there’s no rain in Texas. Crap. Well, I’ll think of something…and while I do, enjoy my blog. I would love your comments and feedback as I am sooooo green to this.